My Life – Page 2

New Years Reclamations

January 2, 2023 by wroolie Leave a Comment

I did a video for Overpass Apps a few days ago about New Years Resolutions. This is my favourite time of year, and I put a lot of effort into coming up with resolutions for the next year. It’s the 2nd of January, and I’m pleased to say I’m still going strong (that is supposed to be a joke). The coming days, weeks, and months may see some resolutions become victims of my laziness or overindulgence. But for now, I’m carrying them all with me.

A few weeks ago, I was in my storage unit looking for my artificial Christmas tree when I found a notebook which held my resolutions from 2003. 20 years ago. That was humbling. Some things I did, many I didn’t, and others I accomplished for a while and never kept up with.

At the age of 50, I find that my resolutions are no longer unique. They turn up again and again. And many of them are geared towards starting something I used to do or being the way I used to be. In effect, they are not resolutions but reclamations of my former self.

2022 was a year of ups and downs for me. I did many things I’m proud of (like travelling more, spending more time with family, etc.), and many I’m not. Just like anyone else, there are times when I take my eye off the ball and need to refocus.

And sometimes, I have to acknowledge that I’m not the person I used to be. I’ve gained new skills and behaviours that I love, but I also lost some that I used to be proud of. So I must reclaim them. I need to realise when I’m off course with who I want to be.

Most people I have spoken to talk about how ridiculous resolutions are. “You’re going to end up breaking them anyway, so what’s the point?” and “It’s just a day. Why not choose a day next month instead?” It sounds so defeatist to me.

The most significant accomplishments of my life came when I decided to do something out of the ordinary. They came when I decided I didn’t want to be in a boat without oars floating in whichever direction the current pushed me. Despondency came when I took what I was given without questioning it. I have to remind myself sometimes that I don’t have a normal job because I decided I wanted something more and took those risks. I have to remind myself that I have friends all over the world because I decided to do videos every day (another New Years resolution). I have to remind myself that I’m holding the oars of this boat.

In “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl spoke of our need for meaning. While Freud argued that we seek pleasure, Frankl spoke about meaning– which was much different. If there’s one thing we all have now is easy access to pleasure and dopamine (and how many unhappy people are there?). If there is no meaning in your life– even if it’s one you create for yourself– you will never be happy.

I want my life to have meaning. I want to live out the narrative I see for myself. That narrative includes losses as well as wins. It includes falling down and getting back up. It includes doing stupid shit and feeling totally embarrassed, but also things doing I’m really proud of. It involves finding the best people to surround myself with, as well as making mistakes and sometimes choosing wrong. If my life is a day at Disneyland, I want to leave saying I’ve been on all the rides.

So, I believe in resolutions. I believe in goals. I believe in refocusing. I believe in taking back control.

How’s that for a ramble?

Is Age really just a number?

July 22, 2022 by wroolie Leave a Comment

“Age is just a number.”

I hear that all the time. It usually is said by someone who is surprised to find out how old I am. I’ll meet someone new, and we’ll be talking about something in pop culture, and I’ll mention a show or song from my youth that they never heard of. This is when the age discrepancy comes out. Sometimes, it’s in the decades!

And then, they’ll say, “well… age is just a number.” It’s become so cliche that I hear it so often.

But it isn’t just a number, is it?

I totally get what they are saying. Just because you are a certain age doesn’t mean you should feel that age or act that age. We all know people in their eighties who act like teenagers and people in their twenties who act like life is over. I still feel like I’m figuring things out. I feel like I haven’t become an adult just yet.

I guess the “age is just a number” phrase bothers me because it doesn’t need to be said. It’s like the other person is trying to say something to console me when I don’t need consoling.

I was watching some stupid movie on Netflix a few weeks ago. It was called “The Secret: Dare to Dream” (I had to look it up because it was so mediocre). A man was at a birthday party for a female friend of his. And she had a teenage daughter. The daughter was talking about s’mores and the man mentioned how he loved those.

“How do you know about s’mores?”, the young girl asked.

“You don’t get to my age without having lived a little,” he said.

I loved that. You don’t get to my age without having lived a little.

To say age is just a number like saying the time on the clock is just a number. It’s like saying the odometer on your car just displays a number. It’s like saying the number on the scale is just a number.

I’m the first to admit that I freak out on milestone birthdays. Next week I turn 50.

When I turned thirty, I asked what I was doing with my life. Everyone I spoke to who was over thirty talked about how I had nothing to worry about. I wondered if I was on the right track. Am I living my life to its fullest, etc. Shortly afterwards, I started Overpass. I stopped being a permanent employee. I looked at people in the same job I was in at the time who had been there for twenty years and it scared me.

When I turned forty, I freaked out again. Overpass existed, but I really just did contracting with it. After years, I hadn’t really found any clients. It wasn’t moving as fast as I hoped. Maybe I wasn’t taking it seriously enough. And … forty? That seemed like such a huge number. That same year, I created my first app. Later, I started the YouTube channel.

That “just a number” is what forced me to push myself out of homeostasis. It allowed me to evaluate where I was settling and to remember all the goals and dreams I had but stopped trying for. I never feel like I’m over the hill or that life is over. I’m just getting started. But it’s a nice time-check to let me know that I might be spending too much time on the things I’m not that interested in.

It’s funny how we always assume everyone else is the finish product but we are still a work in progress.

I definitely feel like a work in progress. I wish I could wear a sign that says “under construction. Please excuse my mess.”

I’m not done. I plan on living a little.

And I look forward to my fifties.

Striving to be “Open”

July 1, 2022 by wroolie Leave a Comment

I remember reading years ago about approaching life being open rather than closed. I think I read it in one of the e-Myth books by Michael Gerber. It’s something I think about a lot and I strive to be open as much as I can.

Being open is

“This will work. I just haven’t found the solution yet.”
“Everyone is doing their best. He’s just having a bad day.”
“I can figure this out.”
“Let’s give it a try.”

Being closed is

“This is impossible.”
“I’m surrounded by jerks. I don’t even want this job.”
“I’m not capable.” “I’m too old.” “I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m not the kind of person who does things like that.”

I think, as software developers, we get to see this difference in this attitude more than most people. We HAVE to be open. We have to know a solution is out there. Otherwise, nothing gets done.

Every developer knows what it’s like to be looking at code that SHOULD work, but isn’t. And that’s frustrating. I mean, I’ve seriously thrown fits like a little kid at my computer when I couldn’t get something to work. So, I take a breath, walk the hallways (or around the building) and come back to it. The one thing I can never do is think the task is impossible.

As software developers, we are used to the “Eureka!” moments. They only come because we knew an answer was out there and we didn’t give up.

There have been so many times that I have been given a project by a frustrated business owner whose developer said something was not possible. Or… by a developer who jumped to a conclusion about why something was failing (usually, it’s something out of their control like disk corruption or a virus– but that’s never it). I usually am able to fix it. I have fresh eyes and an open perspective.

But this perspective applies in other areas of our lives too. I talk to developers all the time who are ready to give up on their app project because “this just isn’t working” or “maybe this used to work, but it doesn’t anymore”. There’s a solution out there. They just need to find it.

It even applies to health and fitness. I have been dealing with shoulder pain from working out. It bothers me. I turn 50 next month. I’m afraid I overdid the training and did some damage. I have had many people tell me “you’re not 18 anymore… you’re body can’t handle what it used to.” This closed me off. It made me limit myself. Then, I saw a sports massage specialist who fixed everything, showed me how to stretch properly, and (best of all) teased me when I told her about my concerns with age. There are many people far older than me who can do much more than I can do, she told me. Those negative comments closed me off. Her knowledgeable explanation opened me up again.

The same is true of the upcoming recession. I’ve been through a few of these in my career. They aren’t fun. But they aren’t impossible either. When you close yourself off with statements like “it’s going to be impossible to get a new job because no one will be hiring”… then you’ll stop trying. It doesn’t help you at all. It’s the same as saying “this bug can’t be fixed” or “I’m too old”. The future belongs to those who are open.

Notice when you are closed. Notice when cynicism sets in.

Be open.